Dear Leslie,
Many years ago, in 1984, I tried to get a reconciliation and forgiveness to occur with our family. My mother Harriet and your mother Annette, our mutual Aunts, began, but it did not get very far. I want you to know that my father’s mistake of initially leaving his Wife my Mother and his daughter my Sister our of his will cause complex consequences in our relationships, and particularly affected my mother and sister, and my sister and me, my sister’s son my nephew, and almost all my family, in a complex way, even though a financial settlement was achieved.
Although they cannot be with us now, I think all our parents would want us to say to each other that we are sad about what happened, and are sorry for any hurt that situation visited on their children, nieces, grandson/grandnephew and extended family.
I think all family has to realize that family relationships are far more valuable than money, and particularly, relationships that divide women in a family, the way my father’s moment of ambivalance divided the women of his family,and all the young people, was the greatest loss and whatever gain that came of it does not make up for what we lost as a family.
It is particularly important to me that we, you Leslie apologize to my sister Julianne Marie, because women have it a little harder than most men in this world, and the situation of rejection and lack of respect toward both her Mother and herself by a man, her father, had a complex impact on her that affected her relationship to me, and left her with a complex lack of respect for herself, her mother and me, as women, and unable to grasp the complexities affecting both my mother and your mother, and women whose work of childraising as well as eldercare is not explicitly valued, because of what my father did with his disinclusions in his suddently changed will, that cause him so much internal ambivalence that he died shortly afterwards.
I feel very sad that events divided my sister and your sister, Marcia, as very young women then, just starting out, who really had a lot in common. I think female cousins are very precious in a world where women are not yet as fully valued as men, and even just knowing that they think about each other once in a while is important, especially for first cousins. And when men cousins respect this as particularly important, it is helpful and more nobly caring for them, too, and they thereby become more honored, too.
I feel now that my father should have shown more respect for the need to practice simultaneous respect for both his wife and his sister all his life, and their bond as sisters by marriage and as members of a family circle. I actually think my father had some complex feelings toward Grandma Rose, and felt she had favored Harry over him because he was the eldest and a boy, and even over Annette, and had a tendency to underestimate the importance of the relationships of women because of his experience of his Mother’s favoritism toward Harry. I think my father felt unloved by Harry, too. Although he was a gifted and intelligent man who played the violin so expressively, cared about the underdog politically and had some faith beyond himself, he was a hurt desperate man at the end of his life, and momentarily acted out with many complex consequences.
We as a family, need to remember this mistake of my father with both seriousness and empathy and forgiveness. My father needed a therapist or a clergyperson to help him. If he had wise understanding, he would have included Aunt Annette (and her children) in his will in some loving way, while keeping his wife and both daughters in, for they had truly loved him all their lives, and all that was needed was family reconciliation and therapy to help the family deal with the complexities of a hurt and angry man who was going blind in part, I think, as a karmic result of his own mistakes in lifestyle and handling emotion that worsened his diabetes, but nevertheless, needed to be understood and helped before he so badly hurt his wife and daughters.
I never felt that my father leaving me in his will while taking my mother and sister out was an act of thoughtful or mature love toward me, even though I think he was trying to salvage some sense of family and enactment of himself as a loving person. But dividing family is never a loving act, and hurts those favored as well as those not favored. When we were growing up, my father, when he was able to take his mind off work, favored my sister while mostly ignoring me, and my sister idealized our father in many ways. His betrayal of her at the end of life as a result of a complex situation was shockingly devastating for my sister, and his betrayal of his wife, our mother, who was so loyal and devoted to him and his children, and had never left his side all her life but for the two week hiatus to understand her own feelings before returning to him, was profoundly upsetting and harmful for both daughters.
These events happened decades ago, and we can never really calculate what we lost as a family, and even before it happened, when my father was caught in hurt that likely affected his relationship to your mother Annette, his sister, almost as much as his wife, in years before he went blind.
But it would mean a great deal to me if you, Marcia and Leslie, both would both call me for a 3-way conference call to also include my Sister and Nephew Louis, to say that
“I and We feel sorry for any hurt the whole situation caused your mother Harriet, (whose date of passing is this Monday 2/11), and Julianne Marie and Rachelle as Sisters, and Louis Z, the Grandchild who was raised lovingly with Harriet’s devoted help and with love for the name Louis, and our family all together. We do this on behalf of our Mother, Annette, Louis’ Sister, who is no longer with us, but who would not want pain and hurt to continue after her passing as well”
I ask you to not hesitate in doing this, and if possible, do so before the end of this week of Valentines Day. Our Mother’s Birthday is May 6 and My Nephew’s birthday is
411, just a few days before what would have been Louis Senior’s Birthday. If you can say something of love and recognition now and with mention mind and heart for these upcoming dates of renewal, as soon as you can, It would help us all, including, and perhaps especially you, I feel deeply and have Faith.
The state where I live now, Maryland, is currently the only state in the country which counts the work of parenting, family time, and volunteering, all so heavily done by women, and environmental stewardship of what is often called Mother Nature, in an estimate of real and sustainable wealth. It is under evaluation in Vermont, and several countries. If our Mother Harriet who gave so much love to both her daughters and grandson named for her husband after years helping her own Mother support her family growing up, and our Aunt Annette who cared for Grandma Rose while raising children, and and any women and men who sought to bring the whole family together with love, were to have their real value assessed in these terms, it would have been so very large as to defy description. Every time anyone, particularly females, or their relationships are too long separated from (especially emotionally) or forgotten by an extended family, it’s family sustainability and real wealth that goes down, especially for future generations.
I also have come to realize that not all people realize they can make therapeutic or clergy resources work for them to help on difficult family issues. Our society does little to help people realize the need for therapeutic talking and relationship intervention. Sometimes, people are induced by the norms and conventions of a superficial culture to accept and literally resign themselves to mere “secondary gain”, a false and temporary personal illusion of “success” or “closure” while their actions or bystander role in others hurtful actions cause pain or reduce happiness for others, even themselves at a certain level, need a gentle push from others, as a Greek Chorus, so to speak, to convince them that some greater level of introspection and self-and-mutual understanding, and forgiveness with restored mutual respect and love, is needed.
I am sorry for any hurts we have caused you, as well, if there are any, for letting our family be without even some emotional and spiritual reconcilitation for so long.
Apology for Hurt, even unintended hurt, is one of the most Powerful gestures a human being can make.
I have therapeutic and spiritual help available to help us do this asap, hopefully this week.and I am devoted to insuring we have some mutual forgiveness and understanding, starting this week of Valentimes, in time to prepare our hearts for Spring March 22, and my nephew’s brithday 411 and the period between my Father’s April and my Mother’s May Birthdays, and the remembrance of the many birthdays we all were unable to share as family because hearts were so badly hurt by events long ago.
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